What Aging Parents Really Want From Their Adult Children

As parents get older, attempts to hold on to independence can be at odds with well-intentioned suggestions from their adult children. A study titled, “The Bitter with the Sweet”- Older Adults’ Strategies for Handling Ambivalence in Relations with Adult Children” conducted by public-health professor Mary Gallant and sociologist Glenna Spitze from the State University of New York at Albany, explored the issue of what aging parents really want from their adult children. The researchers conducted interviews with focus groups of older adults, and their findings were as follows:

• Aging parents who live independently expressed a strong desire for both autonomy and connection in relations with their adult children, leading to ambivalence about receiving assistance from them.
• Most seniors want to have control over their lives, but at the same time, they want to have their children intervene and offer help, if they express a need for it.
• They might express some resistance from the help offered by their children but deep inside, they truly appreciate it.
• They want to be treated normally and not as an incompetent.
• They use a variety of strategies to deal with their ambivalent feelings, such as minimizing the help they receive and ignoring or resisting children’s attempts to control.

Advice for the Adult Child

As our parents age and need more help, it’s natural to want to lend a hand. However, when you get involved, you need to make sure that you don’t become domineering. Why? Seniors who feel like their children are trying to take over their lives get resentful and angry — and as a result often disregard their help just to spite them or assert their independence.

This is why it’s important that as our parents age and do start to lose some of their abilities, that we stay aware of how we’re communicating with them. Being respectful and mindful of boundaries are actually the cornerstones of all healthy relationships. So, when we want to get someone close to us to consider a new approach or solution, it’s imperative to consider their feelings and potential reactions and to let sensitivity and kindness guide our actions. When communicating with aging parents:

Show respect: A big part of striking the right balance has to do with how we speak and act. It’s imperative that we show respect, not attempt to force our will, and to make everything a negotiation (or at least offer options).

Pick your battles: Let your parents do as much as they can and don’t sweat the small stuff. This way, when you have to focus on the important things, like health, finances and safety, you’re less likely to meet opposition.

Make suggestions, instead of giving orders: Ask questions about how they feel and what they need. If parents don’t feel infantilized or pushed into situations, they’re more likely to be open to solutions you work out together.

If you think your parents can do something by themselves, let them: But if they — or someone else — could be harmed, don’t feel guilty about getting involved.

Reframe, don’t blame: A slip of the tongue can unleash a world of hurt and ill will. As exasperating as aging parents can be, spouting off without thinking will only make them — and you — feel bad.

Stop and think how you would want to be treated: It’s important to keep things as positive as possible while we find ways to help our parents as they age.

Are You an Aging Parent or an Adult Child (or Both)?

Remember, the most important thing as we age, is that we go out of our way to maintain good relationships. And good relationships come with patience, understanding, and empathy. Be kind and respectful to each other and make the most of the time you have together as a family!